Learning NVC through expressing praise

I propose that expressing praise and gratitude are simpler and more satisfying ways to start practising nonviolent communication.

I often see NVC concepts explained by carefully walking through and unpacking the four components. In the past I have absolutely explained it in this way, taking a long time to draw together the concepts before beginning to describe how to converse nonviolently.

Some downsides of first unpacking the theory with micro-examples of applying the 4 components are:

It can seem like NVC is rigid.
It can read like results come from walking the components like required, ordered steps one through four.
The whole process feels nothing like a typical, real conversation—that you have to switch into “NVC mode” out of “normal” mode and try to stay there.

I think NVC is best learned through practice and also that one can begin to practise immediately. So instead of beginning to communicate nonviolently by digging into your needs and asking for them to be met, or trying to understand another’s unmet needs, how about instead we start with only talking nonviolently about our met needs? Here are some examples of expressing ourselves in that way:

Thank you for washing the dishes last night, I was really tired and needed to sleep.

I felt so proud when I saw the picture you painted. It is beautiful!

thanks for spending time with me yesterday. I’ve been feeling lonely this week and your company has me feeling warm ☺

thank you for this meal, I am really hungry.

I appreciate you giving me space yesterday. I’m feeling much less grumpy today.

I had no idea you could play the guitar! That was really impressive, thank you for sharing it with me.

thank you for doing your chores this week without me asking, I feel loved.

I’ve been thinking about our chats recently and I wanted to tell you that I’m so appreciative of our friendship: you see me and accept me without judgement.

See how we touch on our needs and feelings and back it up with factual observations in one or two natural sentences? Of course if people aren’t used to you talking about your feelings or expressing gratitude so openly it may sound unnatural even as it might feel unnatural to you to do so. This becomes less unusual through practice and the people you talk to are likely to be more understanding (or not notice) if you misidentify your feelings of gratitude.

Practising expressing these feelings around met needs will get you used to understanding and expressing your feelings around unmet needs. Attempting to express met needs so explicitly will grow relationships and add extra love and care ❤ With practice, feedback and self-examination speaking nonviolently becomes woven into the natural flow of conversation.

Let me unpack a little why I like the idea of practicing expressing met needs first over prioritising requests.

A full NVC request has four optional parts:

Observations - non-judgemental referral to facts or thoughts.
Feelings - our honest emotions expressed without judgement.
Needs - what do we lack, what was met?
Request - asking for a specific thing.

These parts are quite distinct, and seemingly ordered. looking at them laid bare can seem daunting. I believe it is important to observe some things about expressing needs and making requests in this way:

These parts are rarely laid out like this in one sentence in the natural flow of conversation. That would sound awfully formal.
Expressing facts objectively and without judgement takes practice and self-work.
Knowing your feelings or needs is sometimes difficult too and requires self-examination and thinking time, often outside of conversation.
Discovering your needs or feelings while in the natural flow of conversation could come from practice over time, or from a supportive conversation partner. For many people this is not their process of thinking and self-discovery.
This construct even when practised well may, for example, only occur once spread out over a long conversation.
When leading an exploratory conversation you may find a lot of back and forth as you discover and unpack everyone’s needs, verbal and non-verbal.
All this takes much practice to become a natural part of your conversational flow.

I think the bar for expressing praise is lower than making requests—at least in terms of impact on the listener and your own heart. That even a “tragic expression of a met need” is less daunting to re-examine than that of an unmet one.

And leaving the most important thought to last: I would love to see more people openly expressing gratitude and praise because I believe we do not do so nearly enough.

💛