How I find a therapist
In my work I sometimes find it useful to talk about my therapy journey, and find folks who want to find a therapist but don’t know how to go about it. This is my standard advice.
Step 2[1] - visit the Counselling Directory
This is Counselling Directory, every therapist is on here! In the link below I’ve chosen London as an example and selected a few types of (what I think are) quality therapy practices. Obviously you are you with your own values and experience, so tweak the settings!
Step 3 - pick a few options
There are a lot of faces and jargon and different ways in which they describe their work - this might be overwhelming. Here’s how I suggest approaching that:
Be as biased as judgemental as you want. For example: I’ve struggled to relate to men most of my life. I’ve worked through that now, but it’d still be work to relax into having a male therapist again. You need to form a vulnerable and open relationship with this person, so consider whether you would be able to on the face of them.
Read the blurbs and make sure their approach resonates with you. Do you want warm? Do you want analytical? Etc.
They might have a website too. Some even put their fees on there. I look for people who supervise other therapists. They cost more, but they have a lot of varied experience.
Pick two or three people. Your first or second pick might be fully booked.
Step 4 - send all of them a simple low-stakes email
This is all you need. Copy and paste this and hit send:
Hi. I’m looking for a therapist to talk to. Do you have any sessions available?
That’s enough for them to get you into the process. They know what to do from there. They’ll respond in one of two ways: “I’m afraid I’m fully booked for now,” or with a blurb about how they work and what to do next.
Step 5 - dealing with their response
The standard response in my experience is:
This is when I’m available. This is my hourly fee. You can cancel with appropriate notice (1-3 days perhaps). Let’s have our first introductory appointment.
It’s OK to expect your first session to be free. More on the first session further down.
Some therapists like to book x number of sessions in advance, some are quite picky about you “finishing the course”. I don’t rate that kind. You need to feel safe and comfortable in this relationship and a certain level of adult-adult relationship out the gate is vital.
Step 6 - the introductory session(s)
Your first session is all about seeing if you gel. It probably won’t feel like a spark. If you’re introverted, and you haven’t done this before, you might feel really awkward. You’re mostly looking out for major turn-offs. You can be really picky here too, from a small thing like “do they smell funny in a way that will always bother you” to big things like them reminding you negatively of someone you once knew. It’s OK to not want to see someone again for reasons like this.
Some things to consider during and after: do you get the feeling this person has seen some shit? That they’ve worked with all kinds of people and helped them grow and work through it? That they’re not going to be even slightly phased by your pain, and have such a wide range of experience that they’ll have a hefty toolbox that they approach you with kindness and nuance?
Do you sense judgement from them - that’s a big no-no! This might be hard to suss out if you’re bringing your own self-judgement, but you can tell if this person is cold towards you because of your gender, sexuality, identity, problems etc. Be willing to trust your intuition in this moment even if it is hard at other times.
Them being right for you will likely not directly correlate with degrees and training. You may find a really experienced person just doesn’t gel with you. Pick who you want to see for whatever reason you want, sensible or not. Your friends can help you here.
It may take you 2 or 3 or 5 tries to find the right person. You get to be picky!
Just to reiterate: you must be picky. If you’re like me, you may think “oh I can’t reject this person, they are so nice, they agreed to see me.” You deserve to meet with someone in a space of complete mutual respect and safety, and for the focus to be entirely on you. For a lot of us that is really hard. This is the time for it, with a stranger who is trained to have that sort of relationship with you and who won’t need you to bring your energy and care for them. It’s appropriate and important to be selfish here. This is about you. If that’s something you struggle with (perhaps why you’re going to therapy in the first place) it’s ok to express that you find it hard.
Step 7 - and then?
So you’ve been to one or more people, and you have found someone you connect with. It can take a few sessions to settle into the relationship. They need to learn how best to connect with you and may try a few different things to work out what is most effective. You need time to feel safe and vulnerable in that space. Assuming no red flags come up, you’ve done the hard task of finding someone. Go you!
In terms of cadence I usually had a session every two weeks - that’s long enough to put some work in and deal with life being busy. If my mental health was bad I’d bump to every week. When I started doing well and overcoming all kinds of things it went monthly, then ad-hoc.
You might be wondering how long this therapy process will take and what to expect. Well, it depends. I was in therapy for most of seventeen years, but I’m a pretty slow learner and wanted to leave no stone unturned. Most of the work happened for me in the last four years, across two therapists (I moved towns.) Many people go to a therapist to work through a particular difficult situation, and that can be six months to a year’s worth of work. Some people see self-understanding and development as part of their life work and so keep digging and digging. But you don’t have to and a good therapist doesn’t expect you to either.
A good therapist is invested in you being self-sufficient, and works towards you thriving without them. The work in that time will be hard, vulnerable, painful, and difficult. You might well get to the point where you dread going. As long as it’s not because of the therapist themselves, I’d encourage you to keep up with it. Working out your pain and trauma can’t be done without some suffering in the process - healing can come through painful work, and you absolutely deserve healing. Lean on your friends and family too, and let them encourage you to keep going.
Whether we are best friends or I only know you through a few meetings at work, don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you ever need some encouragement or perspective on getting into this process. Therapy has changed my life, and I believe a little or a lot can benefit everyone ❤
Endnotes
1: Step one is deciding to go talk to someone, and it’s usually the hardest part. ↩
